helping grieving people

Things to do when a friend is in a tough spot and your go-to response is to reframe their situation in a positive light… a thread 🧵 ^[1]

1. Listen. Ask them if they’d like to share more. Verbalize the feelings you’re witnessing, validate those feelings. Ask where they’re feeling those emotions in their body. Mirror them.
2. Let. Them. Cry. Do not offer to leave or log-off of hang up for their privacy. Recognize that’s your discomfort you’re expressing when you offer that as a solution. It’s not a solution— it’s you asking them to take their hurt elsewhere. Hold them. Cry with them.
3. Don’t say, “if you need anything…” Instead say: “You need support. I know it’s hard to talk about things we might need, so can I help you brainstorm things that might feel good/comforting to you rn, and then we can scale up to support needs?” Literally write them down.
4. Show them they’re important to you by initiating hangouts with them. Your beleaguered friend will not “reach out if they need anything;” they’ll feel like a burden.
5. Often, your friend just needs out of their own head. Offer distractions but also communicate talking is always on the table. Always.
6. Bring them food. Have it delivered to their house. Or drop it off. Better yet, invite them over for food. This latter option works best as a text/call an hour or two before mealtime. Say: “Hey, so I’m getting ___ for dinner/lunch. Wanna come over?”
7. Have a pajama night/afternoon and have a movie/series marathon with them. Snacks. Blankets. Pillows. Are. A. Must.
8. Go on walk with them. Play cards (or any other game) with them. Color in coloring books with them. Craft with them. Go shopping with them. Go to an event with them. Go on a mini road trip with them.
9. Run errands for them.
10. Send them memes.
11. Send them cute shit in the mail.
12. Send them a cozy sweater, sweatshirt, blanket, or stuffed animal.
13. Scope out cute animals together. Dog parks, zoos, stables— hell there are wineries and yoga studios with goats rn, even cat and dog cafés. Bird watching also counts.
14. Text them. Leave them voice memos. Don’t say you’re “checking in”— they’ll feel like a chore. Just be a regular ass friend. Again, tho: always be willing to pivot to processing— communicate that serious convos are always welcome and on the table.
15. Gas them up. Tell them the things you think are special about them. Tell them you love them. Tell them they’re hot. Tell them they’re brilliant.
16. Introduce them to new potential friends. Arrange group hangouts.
17. Read/listen to a new book together. Talk about it.
18. Reciprocate vulnerability. Sometimes, your friend will be reluctant to open up and share, because they feel like they’re the only one unraveling. If you’re going through shit, too, tell them. They’ll likely feel less alone and relieved to reciprocate care.
19. If it’s Really Big Shit (TM), offer to help them strategize a way forward. Say: “This is a lot for one person to handle. If it were me, I’d be too overwhelmed to know where to start. Would it help if we mapped out some things that need to get done?”
20. Realize that people process grief and trauma and hurt in phases/waves— and sometimes the real processing happens when they feel safe to finally feel things. Recognize that you don’t get to set an expiration date on their pain. Humility and grace are key.

There’s a lot more I could add, but this list has mileage. The key is to communicate care, radical acceptance, engaged presence, and mutual vulnerability. Don’t assume someone else is stepping in. Most ppl avoid their friends going through tough times. Be the one who steps up.